How do I know if what I’m experiencing is Honour Based Abuse?

Examples of how Honour Based Abuse may appear, which can be present in many forms at the same time. Many people are affected by Honour Based Abuse, and you are not alone.

You may be experiencing Honour Based Abuse if you feel like any of the following examples apply to you:

Dating before marriage: You may have a partner that you’ve kept hidden from your family and/or community, as you know they would find the idea of you dating before marriage unacceptable or shameful.
Your sexuality: You may choose to keep your sexuality hidden or feel intense shame over it, as you believe your family and/or community would punish you for it due to their beliefs.
Wanting a Divorce: You may want a divorce but are told it’s dishonourable and will bring shame to you or your family. This pressure could come from family, in-laws, or your partner, with claims that it could harm your siblings’ marriage prospects.
Forced Marriage or Child Marriage: You may feel pressured to marry young or to marry someone you didn’t choose, and told it’s your duty. Even if you’ve declined, the pressure may persist, or you may feel unsure but uneasy about the situation. Your family might even threaten to take you abroad for marriage.
Being too ‘Westernised’: You may be criticised for being ‘too westernised’ for wearing certain clothes or wearing makeup and be forced to dress differently. You may have been told that it is shameful to leave the house dressed in the way you’d like.
Bringing ‘shame’ for making choices outside your family’s norm: You may face threats or disownment for making choices like studying, using social media, leaving your family’s faith, living independently, or speaking out about abuse—being told your actions are unacceptable and dishonourable.
Virginity testing, hymenoplasty and FGM: You may have been questioned about your virginity and be under pressure to take a virginity test. You may be feeling pressure to have hymenoplasty or FGM, or even have already experienced it, with or without consenting.

‘The Virginity Myth’, animation created by Karma Nirvana

Honour Based Abuse can take many forms, but none of the choices you make are shameful or dishonourable—you have the right to make your own decisions. You are not alone.

The key sign of Honour Based Abuse is feeling shamed for your beliefs or choices by your family or community, and feeling controlled or pressured to act differently

The key sign of Honour Based Abuse is feeling shamed for your beliefs or choices by your family or community, and feeling controlled or pressured to act differently. Even if your situation doesn’t exactly match these examples, you may still be affected. If any of this resonates with you, reach out to us for confidential support. We’re here to help you understand your situation, identify Honour Based Abuse, and explore your options. All calls are confidential, and we never share your information with your family.

Your personal safety is paramount. If you ever feel that you are in danger, you should contact the police immediately on 999. The police will be able to assess your situation, advise you, and also refer you to support organisations such as Karma Nirvana.